The unspoken secret to influence
Want to communicate better at work?
Want to build better relationships with your team, MD or board?
Essentially, do you want to have influence?
Want to know a little secret thats often left unsaid.
Say less. Listen more.
Shutting up and listening to others will see you drive a lot more impact and influence than if you talk a lot.
Here is why.
Just like you. People like to hear the sound of their own voices.
They also like their own ideas.
If you want to influence someone and get them to like/respect/spend time with you. Get them talking, thinking and solving problems whilst they are doing so. And really listen.
One of the things that drives a lot of unhappiness out there is a feeling of not being heard, by our managers, loved ones, teachers. “They just don’t listen to me” is something I hear people say all the time.
We are inherently all bad listeners. We are not taught to do it. We learn how to read, write and use language. But we very rarely talk about listening.
Listening is a skill. And one you can get good at.
The 5 levels of Listening
In a verbal exchange with two or more people you can have all of these levels going on. A good communicator and leader will be operating at levels 4+5.
Level One: Interrupting
Not really listening at all.
Bringing it right back to your agenda. Not acknowledging the other persons input.
Them: “I think we should arrange a team meeting about project X and get some research in, and then…”
You: “Yes, but I want to talk to you about hiring some consultants”
Level Two: Hi-jacking
Making it about you.
Telling the other person what happened when you had a similar experience.
Them: “I am having difficulty being heard in meetings…”
You: ‘I find that too. Last month when I…”
Level Three: Advising
Advice, when wanted, can be valuable. We often jump in too soon without the issue being explored fully. If you really want to get them on board and help them create their own solutions (remember that ideas are like children, we love our own more than other peoples), don’t jump to advice too quickly.
Them: “I want to win a new account…”
You: “What you should do is….”
Level Four: Attentive Listening
Hearing and inviting more.
This is when you really start listening, With your full attention. Making time for them to speak and think. Hearing the speaker and inviting more until they dry up. Using nodding, making eye contact, “ah ha’s” and “yups” so they know you are following along.
Them: “I’m not sure how a get this new client on board”
You: “Where are you at with it right now? / What's the status at the moment? / Could you tell me the background? / or simply… “Tell me more”, or “OK, go on…”
Level Five: Active Listening
Actively participating in the exchange yet saving suggestions until they have offered ALL of theirs.
Here you are listening behind the words and between the words, allowing silences, using your intuition, promoting the speaker to explore, clarifying and reflecting, once they’ve finished, asking permission before making suggestions. And you see what you have to add as a suggestion. Not advice they must take or your opinion that you want to get them to agree to. A suggestion.
Them: “I'm concerned that project A isn't going so well. What can you do about it?”
You: "Would it be alright if we explored the problem further?" (asking permission)
Them: "Yes, of course"
You: "Could you tell me more about the journey of the project so far?"
Them: "When we started last year we wanted to achieve X and since then have discovered Y, now I am thinking about A + B instead."
You: "And what would be the ideal scenario?" (Get under the skin of what they really want)
Them: "Well, I'd really like X"
You: "Tell me more about that" (Keep them going)
Them: "etc, etc"
You: "OK, so what would you see happening next?"
Them: "I think we should do A, B, then C.
You: "Great. Could I also make a suggestion on an approach...(add your response...)"
Allow lots of time for them to speak. No interrupting. No filling the silences. Let them think and uncover all the information that they have to share. The result is getting a lot more information on the table that you can work with, no matter what the scenario. Remove the unknowns, the guess work and get them talking. They will feel more satisfied with the interaction and you can use this useful material for whatever you need to do next.
Using Attentive and Active listening for influence can work in any scenario. Whether its with a peer, a client, your team, your MD or your investor.
Think about your conversations this week. What level are you operating at?
Try a few different things out and see what effect it has.
If you feel you are the one not being listened to, consider this. Are you listening to them?
Read next: Six secrets to influencing in business
Source: 5 Levels of Listening adapted from Carol Wilson & MoeFoundation.
Liz Ward is Founder and Coach at Slick Pivot. Slick Pivot helps new and seasoned entrepreneurs get good at change. Supporting your pivot journey through one to one coaching, bespoke team workshops, and events to help you find more happiness and growth in your work, whether that is quitting your 9-5, starting and growing that business or developing the right mindset for success.
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